The ultimate (generic) press release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – Our company, the leader in world-changing technology, is about to debut a revolutionary new open source-based solution that will change the IT marketplace paradigm forever. We expect wide acceptance among businesses ranging from Global 1000 companies to work-at-home network marketers, not to mention millions of individual computer users.Our world-class management team has over 100 years of collective experience developing innovative products and bringing them to market.

“Think of the way agriculture made civilization possible, and you’ll have some idea of the effect we believe our new offering will have on the way people work with computers and the Internet,” says our senior assistant vice president of marketing, who holds a Ph.D in holistic studies from the University of Leading-Edge Advancement.

Our state-of-the-art licensing program allows OEMs worldwide to leverage our exclusive, patent-pending proprietary developments in their own software stack, creating an unparalleled synergy for repurposing mission-critical deployments. We are firm believers in open source, so we have taken the unique step of protecting the open source software that is the heart of our product by patenting it so competitors can’t use it to make inferior versions.

About our company

We are backed by a group of multinational venture capital firms. Our founders are dedicated to their vision of a world in which corporations do no evil. We recently closed a second round of funding we are using to keep the excitement going as we prepare for our IPO, which will be handled by the world’s premier investment bank. Our directors’ expertise spans industries ranging from novelty item wholesaling to personal vehicle retail marketing. We are positioned to rapidly open facilities in major cities worldwide to accommodate the inevitable demand for our breakthrough creation.

For more information, contact pr@dev.null

This email was intended only for the addressee. It may contain confidential and/or privileged material. If you are not the intended recipient or this did not make you laugh, please do not read, copy, use, or disclose this communication. Any review, retransmission, dissemination, or other use of this information by entities other than the intended recipient is prohibited. However, you may freely use this press release as a template for your own company’s communications if you are either brain-damaged or use mind-altering drugs to excess, because this is a parody of the kind of jargon-laden press releases we usually delete without bothering to read.